That guy you see above is The Dicker. He is the owner of the fantasy football team “Richard’s Rampage” and well…over the last few weeks I have run his team into the ground.The Dicker asked me for some friendly advice a few weeks ago and after a quick discussion on why I knew more about football than he did, he agreed to let me play coach/GM to his owner and take his team to a hallowed MMF Football Championship.
When he hired me as coach/GM, the Rampage was 3-1 and things were looking great. Five weeks later the team is on the verge of going 4-6 and grasping for anybody and everybody on the waiver wire in hopes of turning it around.
I am a great fantasy mind. I’ve won my share of Super Bowls as owner/coach/GM of the “Cover Two Dats” and of course won back-to-back-to-back fantasy baseball championships from 2004-2006. I know what I am doing in the fantasy world.
I called a team meeting today to find out just where Richard’s Rampage went wrong and to hopefully find a way to right the ship before it’s too late.
Here’s what transpired.
ME: I know it’s not typical for a fantasy team to meet like this, but we have to figure out why we suck. We can’t score consistently and our bench is weak.
LARRY FITZGERALD: Maybe the idiot owner shouldn’t have taken Vince Young in the first round?
VINCE YOUNG: Hey, at least I won a national title in college – you played at Pitt.
JEFF GARCIA: Maybe you should have waited to trade for me until after my bye week?
ME: I had no choice but to dump Rudi Johnson when I did. Plus, you’ve seen our quarterbacks! How do you expect us to compete with Daunte and Vince behind center!? We needed you! The owner gave me all of this chicken shit and expects me to make chicken salad. We started Damon Huard this week for Christ’s sake.
RYAN LONGWELL: What happened to Daunte anyway?
ME: We cut him so we could pick up Huard. Plus, he might not take another regular season snap in the NFL ever again, he was dead weight.
LENDALE WHITE: Is that a fat joke? I thought this meeting was going to be catered?
LIONS DEFENSE: Not to point fingers or anything, but the Lions Defense has scored more points than anybody else on this roster. Your defense should never be your highest scorer on the team.
GREG JENNINGS: If we played the Vikings every week I would guarantee you that I would have a higher point total.
DERRICK MASON: Can somebody please pay attention to me? I play for the Ravens and I sit on the bench for this brutal fantasy football team. I couldn’t be more tired of losing at this point.
KENTON KEITH: Hey, I am just happy to be on somebody’s roster.
DAMON HUARD: Me too.
LAMONT JORDAN: I miss Daunte – any chance we will pick him up again?
VISHANTE SHIANCOE: I had as many touchdown passes as he did yesterday.
WILLIE PARKER: You can’t catch or block - how did you find a starting job with the Vikings or with Richard’s Rampage?
PLAXICO BURRESS: Give Shiancoe a break – his quarterbacks can’t throw the ball downfield more than 20 yards and Brad Childress wouldn’t throw over the middle to a tight end if his life depended on it.
BEN WATSON: On the bright side, I should be back to full strength next week.
ME: Oh goodie.
JEFF GARCIA: So, what’s the plan anyway – how do we start winning again?
LENDALE WHITE: Any more pizza left?
ME: Everybody is done with their bye weeks now, so here’s the starting lineup. It’s in stone and it won’t be changed unless one of you brittle boned bastards gets hurt again. Kenton Keith – if you find a way to take out Joseph Addai, the number 2 running back spot is yours. Plax – if you are healthy you start. No more of this hobbling around on one leg. Jennings is too good to sit.
Here we go:
QB: Jeff Garcia
RB: Willie Parker
RB: LenDale White
WR: Larry Fitzgerald
WR: Plaxico Burress/Greg Jennings
TE: Ben Watson
K: Ryan Longwell
Defense: Lions
Utility/OT: Plaxico Burress/Greg Jennings
We are giving this thing one more week and if it doesn’t work out, we start planning for next year.
If that strategy can work for the Vikings, why can’t it work for the Rampage?
Stay tuned.
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