Take me out to the ballgame.

Cold Omaha is taking a break for the Memorial Day weekend, but we will be back on Tuesday. In honor of the event, enjoy this blast from the past – it’s a thesplog.com post from April 2005.

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DATELINE: Minneapolis, MN

More than 24,000 fans have filed into the Metrodome to see your Minnesota Twins take on the terrible Kansas City Royals in the first game of a quick two-game series. Most are here to see Cy Young Award winner Johan Santana, who pitched another decent game, striking out ten through seven innings before leaving without a decision.

Juan Rincon enters in the eighth, shutting down the KC threat and we take a 4-4 tie into the bottom half of the inning. With one out in the bottom of the 8th, Lew Ford moves from 2nd to 3rd base on a wild pitch. Shannon Stewart is taking his hacks and working the count, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is THE pivotal moment of the game. Royals lefty Jaime Cerda throws a fastball on the inside half of the plate and Stewart turns on it – a clean single to left field and Ford comes home to score what becomes the winning run.

The Metrodome is as loud as it can be on a Wednesday night in April. Fans are jumping up and down, the players rush out to high-five Lew... and all I can think about is how much I want to punch the jackasses sitting a row behind me.

When did it become okay to be loud, rude, and obnoxious at a sporting event? Did I really just ask that question?

At 31 years-old, I think I have officially become a young curmudgeon. What happened to the good old days when annoying people at events were something you could ignore? I almost yearn for a crying baby, a fat guy squeezed into the seat next to me, or a poser on a cell phone. Those things I can deal with – maybe even ignore to a certain extent -- but I can’t ignore stupidity.

To date, the Twins have had seven home games and I have been to two of them. I wanted to leave both by the 2nd inning because I was so annoyed by the people sitting around me.

I don’t want to hear about your junior high baseball career. I don’t want to listen to you make "sack of peanuts" and "ball" jokes like we are in 3rd grade. I don’t want to hear about how drunk you were last night or how much you plan to drink after the game. We all hate the Metrodome and we all know baseball is supposed to be played outside; we don’t need you pointing it out every three minutes. Do you think you could maybe structure a sentence that doesn’t include cursing every third or fourth word? I don’t care that you think the woman two sections over is hot. You have no chance with her, so get over it.

If I had kids I would not be comfortable taking them to a game. Two things would happen:
1) the kids would hear things that aren’t appropriate for children
2) the kids would see their dad get in a fistfight with a group of early to mid twenty-somethings.

Either way, it would not be good times for any of us. You are supposed to feel comfortable at a baseball game. It’s among the top five unwritten rules of the game, along with taking off your hat during the anthem, singing during the 7th inning stretch, ordering food that you would never eat anywhere else, and booing every time a former Twin comes to the plate. It’s supposed to be a fun filled, stress free environment -- a place to which you want to come back over and over again.

That just isn’t the case anymore.

My gal summed it up best when she said "I think I just need to watch the games at home for a little while – I need a break. Or maybe I could watch them at a bar….no, at home." This is coming from a woman who considers a RV trip to 10 different ball parks in two weeks an ideal vacation. She keeps score at games and wakes up at night wondering why Michael Cuddyer can’t seem to break out of his slump. If she isn’t enjoying the games, I have a feeling it might be time for some changes at the old ball yard.

All of this got me thinking… Are these just isolated incidents and things really aren’t as bad as they seem? Did I act the same way when I was a younger adult? Do I act like this now when I am with the core group, but I don’t realize I am doing it? Have I just gotten old? Am I that out of touch with the youth of America?

Short answer is – I don’t have the answer. But I do know one thing – there’s an entire subset of people I cannot stand to be around.

And, that’s where we move to a patented thesplog.com top five list. Yes, it’s the five most annoying people you can find at a sporting event.

Play along if you like…

5) Drunk, cheering guy
If this guy is more than 15-20 rows away, he is the funniest thing to hear and see at the game. If he is close enough for you to actually FEEL him screaming "charge" along with the PA system, well -- its not much fun. This is the guy who can make an entire section laugh and shake its head at the same time. My buddy Chuck improved the drunk, cheering guy by turning himself into the sober, cheering guy. He yells and screams the name "CARLOS" at just about every Hispanic player on the opposing team and will say things like "YAY! TORII -- HIT A HOMER!" when Joe Mauer is batting. Again, you can't make it up.

4) When I played the game guy
This guy won’t stop talking about the glory days. Whether that time was spent as a college athlete or as a little leaguer where he only played because his dad coached the team. This guy doesn’t know many of the players, hasn’t been to many games lately, but always has the right answers and isn’t afraid to second guess an umpire’s call against his team. At one time or another I have been this guy and well… let’s move on.

3) Cell phone guy
Remember when nobody had a cell phone? How nice was that? Now you can’t walk through a mall or drive to the post office without spotting a phone sticking out of someone’s ear. Yes, I have one. Yes, I use it too often. Yes, I have used it at a baseball game. But, I am not doing business, talking for three innings, or worse – talking so loudly that everyone in section 117 can hear me.

2) Bored gal
She hates baseball. She doesn’t like crowds, and she won’t eat ballpark food. Last night, I actually saw a woman bring in a plastic bag filled with lettuce and vegetables. Not even saying there is anything wrong with it – if you are on a strict diet or are a vegetarian, the ballpark can be a tough place to find a meal. Just saying, I thought it was funny to see salad at a Twins game. The bored gal can suck the energy out of any relationship and it makes all the other men in the place thankful that they aren’t with her.

1) Likes to make a pun guy
I alluded to this earlier, but how many sack, ball, and rubber jokes can you make and still think they are funny? There is a fine line between good potty humor and running a joke into the ground. It seems like "likes to make a pun guy" can’t find the subtle differences and overdoes it every time. Add in the alcohol factor and these stupid jokes can become even more annoying. I know for a fact I have been this guy as well and again – I am not proud of it. But, I am working on it.

I think the gal was right, it might be time to watch some games from home for awhile.