Thursday, May 31, 2007

Moons over my hammy.

Video Coming Soon - Hog is being mounted - Many witnesses - Sausage is all Gone.

Those are the first words that greet you on the wonderful website

An 11-year-old kid named Jamison Stone shot an enormous pig during a hunting trip earlier this month. The pig was more than 9-feet-long and weighed more than 1,000 lbs. That’s pretty big.

Some people don’t like hunting. I like hunting and even I don’t really understand hunting giant pigs, but whatever.

And, some people who hate hunting also seem to not like that this kid is hunting giant pigs. So…they sent Jamison hate mail via a link on his monster pig website.

Some of the mail is pretty funny and all of it is pretty mean. No matter what you think about hunting, large pigs, or the Deep South, there should be something for everyone in this story.

Here’s my favorite letter to the kid, you can read more here.

“I have to congratulate you because I didn't think it was possible for an 11 yr old as large as yourself to chase a pig for three hours in hilly terrain. Well done, fat boy! For real though. Killing an animal about half your size does not make you a hero, or a model american, or anything else anybody might say you are. It certainly does not make you worthy of being in a movie.
You are a worthless piece of crap and i hope one day another noble american hunter such as yourself mistakes you for a large hog and shoots you about 12 times before your fat ass drops dead. They'll definately need another backhoe in the woods to pick your body up with. I hope you're enjoying your fame. Satan is going to have fun with you when you rot in hell.
God Bless.”

Let’s all sing the song together now. From the east coast, to the west coast….this is our country.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

This wouldn't be news if his name was Troy Williamson.

Looking for an entertaining story? Look no further.

The man pictured on the left is named James Randy Moss. The woman is named Barbie Cummings. He's a police officer and she's a porn star. She alleges some pretty interesting things happened during a traffic stop earlier this month.

I think anytime a story has a cop named Randy Moss, a porn star, happy pills, and a pink Honda involved, you should read it.

So here it is:

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

This is why we boo A.J.; he's a douchebag.

A.J. Pierzynski is a moron. He talks too much on the field, he makes his own teammates angry, and he tries to injure players on other teams.

Yep -- A.J. tried to step on Justin Morneau's ankle as he ran across first base yesterday during the Twins 10-4 win. A few things could have happened -- Morneau could have broken an ankle, ruptured an Achilles tendon, or gotten an infection from a cleat cut on his ankle/foot/leg.
None of those things did happen, but they could have. Now A.J. will get beaned during this series and hopefully the benches will clear and somebody will knock his punk-ass out.

You can read the game story here:

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Take me out to the ballgame.

Cold Omaha is taking a break for the Memorial Day weekend, but we will be back on Tuesday. In honor of the event, enjoy this blast from the past – it’s a post from April 2005.


DATELINE: Minneapolis, MN

More than 24,000 fans have filed into the Metrodome to see your Minnesota Twins take on the terrible Kansas City Royals in the first game of a quick two-game series. Most are here to see Cy Young Award winner Johan Santana, who pitched another decent game, striking out ten through seven innings before leaving without a decision.

Juan Rincon enters in the eighth, shutting down the KC threat and we take a 4-4 tie into the bottom half of the inning. With one out in the bottom of the 8th, Lew Ford moves from 2nd to 3rd base on a wild pitch. Shannon Stewart is taking his hacks and working the count, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is THE pivotal moment of the game. Royals lefty Jaime Cerda throws a fastball on the inside half of the plate and Stewart turns on it – a clean single to left field and Ford comes home to score what becomes the winning run.

The Metrodome is as loud as it can be on a Wednesday night in April. Fans are jumping up and down, the players rush out to high-five Lew... and all I can think about is how much I want to punch the jackasses sitting a row behind me.

When did it become okay to be loud, rude, and obnoxious at a sporting event? Did I really just ask that question?

At 31 years-old, I think I have officially become a young curmudgeon. What happened to the good old days when annoying people at events were something you could ignore? I almost yearn for a crying baby, a fat guy squeezed into the seat next to me, or a poser on a cell phone. Those things I can deal with – maybe even ignore to a certain extent -- but I can’t ignore stupidity.

To date, the Twins have had seven home games and I have been to two of them. I wanted to leave both by the 2nd inning because I was so annoyed by the people sitting around me.

I don’t want to hear about your junior high baseball career. I don’t want to listen to you make "sack of peanuts" and "ball" jokes like we are in 3rd grade. I don’t want to hear about how drunk you were last night or how much you plan to drink after the game. We all hate the Metrodome and we all know baseball is supposed to be played outside; we don’t need you pointing it out every three minutes. Do you think you could maybe structure a sentence that doesn’t include cursing every third or fourth word? I don’t care that you think the woman two sections over is hot. You have no chance with her, so get over it.

If I had kids I would not be comfortable taking them to a game. Two things would happen:
1) the kids would hear things that aren’t appropriate for children
2) the kids would see their dad get in a fistfight with a group of early to mid twenty-somethings.

Either way, it would not be good times for any of us. You are supposed to feel comfortable at a baseball game. It’s among the top five unwritten rules of the game, along with taking off your hat during the anthem, singing during the 7th inning stretch, ordering food that you would never eat anywhere else, and booing every time a former Twin comes to the plate. It’s supposed to be a fun filled, stress free environment -- a place to which you want to come back over and over again.

That just isn’t the case anymore.

My gal summed it up best when she said "I think I just need to watch the games at home for a little while – I need a break. Or maybe I could watch them at a bar….no, at home." This is coming from a woman who considers a RV trip to 10 different ball parks in two weeks an ideal vacation. She keeps score at games and wakes up at night wondering why Michael Cuddyer can’t seem to break out of his slump. If she isn’t enjoying the games, I have a feeling it might be time for some changes at the old ball yard.

All of this got me thinking… Are these just isolated incidents and things really aren’t as bad as they seem? Did I act the same way when I was a younger adult? Do I act like this now when I am with the core group, but I don’t realize I am doing it? Have I just gotten old? Am I that out of touch with the youth of America?

Short answer is – I don’t have the answer. But I do know one thing – there’s an entire subset of people I cannot stand to be around.

And, that’s where we move to a patented top five list. Yes, it’s the five most annoying people you can find at a sporting event.

Play along if you like…

5) Drunk, cheering guy
If this guy is more than 15-20 rows away, he is the funniest thing to hear and see at the game. If he is close enough for you to actually FEEL him screaming "charge" along with the PA system, well -- its not much fun. This is the guy who can make an entire section laugh and shake its head at the same time. My buddy Chuck improved the drunk, cheering guy by turning himself into the sober, cheering guy. He yells and screams the name "CARLOS" at just about every Hispanic player on the opposing team and will say things like "YAY! TORII -- HIT A HOMER!" when Joe Mauer is batting. Again, you can't make it up.

4) When I played the game guy
This guy won’t stop talking about the glory days. Whether that time was spent as a college athlete or as a little leaguer where he only played because his dad coached the team. This guy doesn’t know many of the players, hasn’t been to many games lately, but always has the right answers and isn’t afraid to second guess an umpire’s call against his team. At one time or another I have been this guy and well… let’s move on.

3) Cell phone guy
Remember when nobody had a cell phone? How nice was that? Now you can’t walk through a mall or drive to the post office without spotting a phone sticking out of someone’s ear. Yes, I have one. Yes, I use it too often. Yes, I have used it at a baseball game. But, I am not doing business, talking for three innings, or worse – talking so loudly that everyone in section 117 can hear me.

2) Bored gal
She hates baseball. She doesn’t like crowds, and she won’t eat ballpark food. Last night, I actually saw a woman bring in a plastic bag filled with lettuce and vegetables. Not even saying there is anything wrong with it – if you are on a strict diet or are a vegetarian, the ballpark can be a tough place to find a meal. Just saying, I thought it was funny to see salad at a Twins game. The bored gal can suck the energy out of any relationship and it makes all the other men in the place thankful that they aren’t with her.

1) Likes to make a pun guy
I alluded to this earlier, but how many sack, ball, and rubber jokes can you make and still think they are funny? There is a fine line between good potty humor and running a joke into the ground. It seems like "likes to make a pun guy" can’t find the subtle differences and overdoes it every time. Add in the alcohol factor and these stupid jokes can become even more annoying. I know for a fact I have been this guy as well and again – I am not proud of it. But, I am working on it.

I think the gal was right, it might be time to watch some games from home for awhile.

At least he isn’t into dog fighting.

Elijah Dukes plays for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Back in April, I wrote about him and really thought he was turning his life around.

Turns out, he isn’t.

Dukes’ wife, NiShea Gilbert, filed papers last week saying that Mr. Dukes sent her a text message with a photo of a hand gun and he threatened to kill her, saying in his voicemail to her: “You dead dog, I ain’t even bullshitting. Your kids too.”

You can read the entire story from the St. Petersburg Times.

I see's make it 11 problems/interesting nuggets/questions buried in this story.

1. Who calls his wife “Dawg” – no matter what the circumstances? Maybe Randy Jackson, but that’s it right? I can’t even get away with calling my gal “dude.”

2. Yes, when I read the first two paragraphs, I too thought Mr. Dukes was married to a middle school student.

3. Dukes is quoted as saying to the reporter, "I've got to go. I've got a video game to finish." That’s a pretty good way to get out of any kind of conversation. I wonder what the game was…Grand Theft Auto? Halo? He can’t still be playing Doom?

4. Mr. Dukes either had a picture of a gun on his cell phone already (took a pic of his gun maybe) or he did a google image search for a gun. That takes a lot of effort doesn’t it?

5. What would Roger Gooddell do in a situation like this?

6. You have to wonder what Alec Baldwin thinks of this creative us of a cell phone; he’s no doubt nodding his head in agreement right now.

7. How will this impact Duke’s value as a fantasy player? It’s going to hurt his focus I think. The best part about this story is it won’t make me even consider dropping him from my fantasy roster. His lack of batting average might though.

8. Dukes has five kids with four different women! He’s 22-years-old! Two of the women he impregnated gave birth in 2003 within eight days of each other! I wonder if he stressed out about being a parent, walking up and down the aisles of Babies R Us consumed with fear and wondering how he was going to pay for all of the baby stuff? Probably not, huh?

9. If he was looking for a subtle approach, he should have sent a picture of O.J. Simpson or Robert Blake instead of a handgun.

10. I think the anger management courses are going to work. Seems like he’s the kind of guy who just needs a little direction in his life – someone to talk to about his issues.

11. Quote of the article, maybe in fact…yes – quote of the year coming from Ms. Dukes… “Life only got more frustrating after the marriage,” she said. Shocking.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

It’s time to trade Kevin Garnett.

In the words of Phil Connor from Groundhog Day: “It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's gonna last you for the rest of your life.”

That pretty much sums up the future for the Wolves after getting the 7th pick in last night’s NBA Draft Lottery.

Where do the Wolves go from here? Well…there are lots and lots of rumors all over the internets about where Kevin Garnett could be headed. It’s definitely time to trade the Big Ticket, but does anyone really trust that Kevin McHale can get fair value for him? Is it even possible to actually get fair trade value for him?

If you haven’t paid any attention to the Wolves over the last few years, you aren’t alone. And if you don’t plan to pay attention anytime in the near future, you also aren’t alone. If the Wolves would have gotten the 1st or 2nd pick, it would have been an immediate shot in the arm for the franchise. Even this idiotic front office couldn’t screw up Kevin Durant or Greg Oden. Now that they are picking 7th, it really is time to rebuild.

And that means dumping KG.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Walking wounded

The Twins lost another reliever last night when Glen Perkins blew out his shoulder in the 8th inning of the Twins 14-4 loss to the Rangers. Three Twins pitchers (Jesse Crain, Denny Reyes, and now Perkins) have been injured during the last week.

No word on just how bad the Perkins injury is, but it doesn't sound good. He will go on the DL along with Crain and Reyes -- Crain is already done for the year. The Twins need to make a couple of roster moves and the only one that makes sense to me is giving Matt Garza another chance at starting and moving Ramon Ortiz and/or Carlos Silva into the bullpen.

Silva and Ortiz are a combined 0-7 in May with a 9.67 ERA. Good times.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

No exit strategy for iRack.

Many of you have no doubt seen this. Many have not. Enjoy.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Hey Twins -- less talky talky, more hitty hitty.

The Twins can't hit. The offense is brutal. Torii Hunter likes to talk.

Here's what he said about Fausto Carmona yesterday, after the Twins lost to Cleveland again, this time 2-0.

"It's not normal. He's not even human. It was so scary, I thought I was hung over.''

Fausto fisted the Twins with a four-hitter and he beat Johan Santana for the second time this year. Fausto struck out 11 Twins hitters. Oh and for good measure -- the two runs came off back-to-back homers for the Tribe.

At least the Twins can beat up on the Brewers this weekend. What? The Brewers are actually good this year? Huh. Great. Maybe the Twins could at least get a free rectal exam while they are in Milwaukee.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

I don’t wanna do your dirty work no more.

Best. Invention. Ever.

We are doing the turtle at Ironwood Court. This is the Polaris 65/TurboTurtle and it’s the answer to never having to hand-clean or hand-vacuum your pool again.

It’s the highest rated purchase of the month here at Cold Omaha headquarters. As far as outdoor related news, I can’t think of anything better than not having to vacuum the stinking pool this summer.

Yep yep – this thing rocks.

Mike and Mike spell oversaturated.

Everyday, more than 50 people end up on cold omaha looking for information about Mike and Mike or Sage Steel. We love all three of them and we are happy to have you here.

Take a look around and the visit us often for more on all your favorites:


Mike and Mike in the morning are great. Other than Colin Cowherd in very small doses, Greenberg and Golic are the only ESPN Radio hosts worth listening to and watching them on ESPN 2 is even more entertaining. The new HD set is growing on me, not having Bob Picozzi do sports updates on TV bothers me, but at least Mike and Mike haven’t changed. They are still good and they get good guests. Most of the time anyway.

The only down-side to the whole Mike and Mike thing is that they are everywhere. They do arena league football now, they are always broadcasting from other parts of the country and now…well…they are hosting the National Spelling Bee. Seriously.

The beauty of it is, this will still get better ratings than the NHL. And maybe if we are lucky, Sage Steele will be the sideline reporter sitting at a desk less than ten feet away from Mike and Mike.

This is from Mike Greenberg's blog. Yes, seriously.
From ESPN: “Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic of ESPN Radio’s popular Mike & Mike in the Morning show (simulcast on ESPN2, weekdays 6 - 10 a.m. ET) will serve as special commentators on ESPN and ABC’s live coverage of the 2007 Scripps National Spelling Bee Finals from Washington, D.C., Thursday, May 31. The duo will join host, Good Morning America’s Robin Roberts, for ABC’s primetime presentation of the championship rounds, 8 - 10 p.m.”

These two do so much work together; you have to wonder if they are going to show up at the Guthrie this summer doing an off-Broadway production of The Odd Couple.

For the record, I plan to watch. I already love the Spelling Bee – Mike and Mike will only make it better.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Remembering the 80's -- Metrodome edition

If you have five minutes to spare, this training video from Volume Services is well worth your time. It's a training video, unintentional comedy jackpot, and 1980's flashback all rolled into one tremendous package.

At Volume Services, it's all about teamwork.

Gophers get Nathen Garth; somewhere Dan Monson wonders "who?"

Who says Tubby Smith can't recruit? The new Gophers coach made a splash yesterday by getting his first commitment from a recruit by nabbing point guard Nathen Garth out of Dallas, Texas. A Gopher basketball coach recruiting and scoring in Texas?

Garth explained why he chose Smith and the Gophers this way, ""He has players in the NBA, overseas," Garth said. "His résumé is incredible. He wins. I really like to win and I'll do whatever it takes as a point guard. If that means score, then score. If that means assists, assists. If that means play defense, defense. I'm willing to do whatever it takes."

Yep -- that sounds about right to me.

Ski-U-Mah my friends, Ski-U-Mah.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Pass me a bottle, Mr Jones.

At this point, the Twins offense can't get any worse, so they decided to call up a career minor leaguer to serve as the full-time DH and part-time back-up left fielder and first baseman.

I might be wrong about this, but I don't think its going to work. Jones is a career .246 hitter in the minors and he's already 26-years-old.

The team has three outfielders on the roster who can do what Jones does, which is sometimes hit for power (Lew Ford, Jason Kubel) and sometimes get on base (Jason Tyner.)

I guess there is some upside to him though -- he's big at 6'4"/244 lbs and he hit 20 home runs in 2005 and 2006. Still, I can't help but wonder why the Twins wouldn't just stick with Jason Kubel for the next month and get him as many at-bats as possible to see if he is the answer. We know Lew Ford isn't the guy. If Kubel could stay healthy, I still think he could produce.

Anyway, here's a blurb about Jones from the Rochester Red Wings media guide. Let's hope he can do something to spark the offense:

"First Red Wing to hit 20 home runs in back to back seasons since Don Baylor in 1970-1971...hit .406 in 9 postseason games (13-32) with 3 HR and 10 RBI...went 3 for 4 with 3 RBI in Game One of IL Playoffs; 2 for 4 w/ HR, 2 RBI in G. 2; 3-3 in G. 3; 2 for 2 w/ 3 R HR G. 2 of GC Champ. Series...led IL in games (140), was 2nd in RBI (92),4th extra base hits (56), tied for 5 th doubles (32), 8 th in HR (21)...led Rochester in home runs, doubles, extra-base hits and RBI, tied for lead in walks (49)...his 92 RBI ranked 9th in all of Triple-A... .went 24 games---June 17 to July 15---without a home run...his 56 extra base hits are the most by a Wing in one season during the Twins era (2003- )...they are the most by a Wings since Danny Clyburn had 58 in 1997...his 45 career home runs with the Wings is the most in the Twins era and the most by a Wing since Mark Smith totaled 51 home runs (1993-1996)...vs. RHP: .231-13-58; vs. LHP: 255-8-34...hit .286 with runners in scoring position...drove in at least 20 runs three different months with a high of 25 in August when he also batted .284."

Monday, May 14, 2007

Brett says..."Look at me, look at me!"

Brett Favre loves attention and he hasn't been getting much lately. So...he says that he is mad about the Packers not getting Randy Moss and at one point very recently, he wanted to be traded. Now people are talking about him again and he is happy. The end.

Read all about it here:

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Minnesota's version of "The Catch"

Talk about a thing of beauty.

This catch by Torii Hunter is one of the best -- if not the best -- I have ever seen. You have to search around on the "video" link on the Twins site to find it (middle right of the screen) but it's well worth the effort.

Totally amazing. The Twins lost last night, but after seeing that catch -- who cares?

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Sizemore arrest not a shock, but still…it’s too bad.

I like Tom Sizemore. I think he’s a good actor and I really believe he’s a good guy. If you’ve seen the reality show Shooting Sizemore – you know he has talent, he’s somewhat likeable, and um…he has some demons. Now he got arrested again for drug possession.

Not sure if Heidi Fleiss will be blamed for this one, but let’s hope we hear something from her soon.

Rickey likes money too. Rickey can still play.

Looks like we have another reason to hate Roger Clemens. Because of him, Rickey Henderson is considering another comeback. Rickey isn't playing right now because Ricky doesn't want to play. Rickey is busy driving a tractor and raising farm animals. If Rickey wanted to come back and there was a team that wanted Rickey to play for them, Rickey would play for them. Nobody can tell Rickey he can't play -- only Rickey will decide that, for Rickey.

That's Morneau like it.

The White Sox are in town and its time to make some hay. Justin Morneau helped the cause last night with two home runs, including a walk-off in the bottom of the 10th inning. Maybe he's rounding into form after all?

In related news, Nick Punto finally got on base with a hit and only struck out twice last night. Jason Bartlett had a hit and only left three guys on base.

Everybody is breaking out of their slump at the same time!

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

The folks at TGI Friday’s must be pleased

So…it’s kind of a slow day in the world of sports today. The most newsworthy item I have seen so far comes to us from Wisconsin, where the Milwaukee Brewers are offering free prostate cancer screenings at Miller Park. The best part of this news release is the fact that the screenings will take place in a mobile vehicle near TGI Friday’s.

Easy joke of the day? Wait for it… They would never need to do this in New York, because Roger Clemens already cured cancer there.

Wow…those NHL playoffs are pretty entertaining, aren’t they?
Can somebody tell Justin Morneau that its time to start the 2007 season?
When did Brook Hogan turn into Hulk Hogan without the mustache?
Can you guess the one TV show that makes me nostalgic and wish for the glory days of 2005? If you guessed American Casino, give yourself a pat on the back.
If I could somehow combine the experience of winning a double down in blackjack with the entertainment I receive from the Sopranos every Sunday night -- that would be a pretty good feeling.
I am really looking forward to watching Mike Redmond play everyday for the next two weeks. He is the new Torii Hunter when it comes to grounding into double plays and hitting weak singles to right field.
Quote of the weekend during my golf trip a few days ago…the name of the person who made the comment will be hidden to protect his anonymity: “After what we ate and drank last night, today is a day to not trust a fart.”
Drink recommendation of the week: Klarbrunn Sparkling Water with natural “black cherry” flavor. It’s like a party in your mouth every time you drink it.
It’s been said before, but the current Twins roster reminds me a little of the Scott Stahoviak, Chip Hale, and Bernardo Brito glory days of 1995. This year we have Nick Punto, Jason Tyner, and now Chris Heintz on the roster. Could we PLEASE score a few runs?
American Idol just hasn’t been the same since Haley Scarnato got voted off.
The fact that I am going on three straight years of not watching any playoff basketball doesn’t bother me a bit.
I am going to set October 15 as the date when Randy Moss announces he won’t be talking to the Boston media.
About every 2 or 3 weeks, I think Kevin McHale should be reminded that he fired Flip Saunders for no apparent reason and now his team not only sucks, but they have very little upside or chance for improvement over the next four years.
Is Tubby Smith still coaching the Gophers basketball team? Shouldn’t we be hearing something from him?
Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte are adorable together, aren’t they?
If those two guys named Ron and Fez can have a radio show on XM, I think anyone can have a radio show on XM.
David Ortiz might have ingested something that had steroids in it? No? Really? Shocking news, really.

Monday, May 7, 2007

I thought he said he wanted to play for a contender?

If you could hog all the glory, would you? If you could hold three teams hostage and wait for the highest offer, would you? If you could pitch for four months, start your off-season in October, and go into a no-lose situation for yourself all while make about $20 million dollars, would you do it? Of course you would. And, Roger Clemens would too, that's why he's headed back to the Yankees.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Hey careful what you wish for

I think this is ironic. It's definitely not a coincidence. Keyshawn Johnson was the "token athlete or former coach" on the set of ESPN's NFL draft coverage last weekend. He was elated that his team, the Carolina Panthers, drafted USC wideout Dwayne Jarret. Keyshawn is also a former Trojan and he really wanted to "mentor" Jarret as a new teammate with Carolina.

Keyshawn got cut on Monday because the Panthers have too many receivers now and he was expandable.

Ah...good times.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Charles Barkley is all-in on hole 4.

Gambling and golf go together better than golf and beer. So, it's no surprise that we are finally going to get a real golf event that is based solely on the gambling aspect of the game.

Michael Jordan is playing with Tiger Woods in the pro am at the Wachovia Championship this morning. Knowing what we know about them, particularly Jordan, (allegedly) how many side bets do you think the two of them have going on right now? Two bets per hole? Three?

I look forward to check-raising as many people as possible this summer out at Les Bolstad.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

This should be fun.

You have no doubt heard the clever saying, Minnesota has two seasons -- winter and road construction. Well, prepare for a project that is going to mess with your mind and your summer.

A two-mile stretch of Highway 36 will be closed today and the job won't be finished until September. Adding this project to the "unweave the weave" mess on 35E and 694 probably wasn't the best idea. You should pretty much avoid the east metro area of Mpls/St Paul if at all possible. Thank goodness the Cold Omaha headquarters are no longer in the cozy suburb of Vadnais Heights.

You can see a map of the area, along with details about the road destruction here: